It has been a minute since I have written anything for One Day Closer. Full disclosure, the last months of 2025 were survival for this girl. I had worked at length on our first annual golf tournament that benefits the scholarship created in my husband’s honor, and while it was a huge success, I had no idea the wave of exhaustion that would crash over me in the days and weeks that followed. Compounding all of that was the one year anniversary of his death, his birthday, and the ensuing holidays, all occurring bang, bang, bang, after the golf tournament. Needless to say, October through early January was a time of just trying to keep my head above water. If you have experienced those big milestones during your grief, and I am assuming you have or you wouldn’t be here, then you get it.
So here it is, January of 2026, and I am back with you at One Day Closer. My goal is the same–to share my grief journey with the hopes of helping someone out there who is walking this same road in a society that does not deal well with grief, and to glorify God in the process. Thank you for being here, although none of us signed up for this. Yet here we are, right??
I have been in grief therapy for over a year now. I participated in group grief therapy at a local church. Grief Share is very helpful, Biblically based, and it puts you in community with others who are dealing with loss and sorrow. I highly recommend it, and it is offered at different venues all over the country. Here is the link to their website: Grief Share. You can find a local group to join, or you can attend online. I also attend one-on-one grief therapy once a week. I wish I could say that I obeyed the voice of the Lord calling me one night to follow Him to the doorstep of my therapist, but there was a little more resistance on my part. The summer before my husband, Leslie, died in October, the local cancer center in my hometown reached out to me. It is run by a sweet friend who had given me the name of the grief therapist that works in conjunction with the center. Aware of Les’ glioblastoma diagnosis and prognosis, my friend wisely knew that I needed some anticipatory grief counseling. But I felt I could not leave Les for even as little as an hour to meet with her. Nevertheless, I took the therapist’s name and number. Realizing that this particular person is the parent of two former students of mine, I dismissed the thought, asserting the ultimatum that I would not be pouring out my heart and soul to a former parent. Thanks, but no thanks. In late August, I was struggling with some anxiety and depression that can accompany the knowledge that I was about to lose the love of my life to brain cancer. My doctor suggested I get some counseling, and I informed her that I would only entertain the idea if I could find a Biblically-based therapist. She knew just the person, and handed me a sticky note with the same name and number my cancer center friend had given me a few months before. Again, hard pass. Why would I want to open that can of worms to an ex-parent?? Two more times, in totally separate conversations, I was told by those who cared that they had the name of someone who could really help me. Each time, that same name was right in my face. “Ok, Lord. I get it. I kinda think You want me to call her.” Sometimes God has to drag my hard-headed self kicking and screaming into what He sovereignly has for me. Tiffany has been… well, at the risk of sounding cliche…a God-send. For over a year, I have been sharing my deepest feelings on the grief road I travel, laying it all bare to that parent of some former students I taught years before. Can opened, worms everywhere! Our Wonderful Counselor (one of my favorite names for Jesus) has equipped certain people to be His hands and feet when we are in need of help. A good therapist will help us make sense of our inner world. Grief can feel tangled, and therapists help us to unravel that mess. Counselors help us normalize what feels “wrong”. There are so many times in my grief journey that I think, “I shouldn’t feel this way.” Our reactions to our grief–sadness, anger, numbness, guilt, etc.–are all human responses, not failures. Counselors hold space with you when others cannot. They know how to sit with our pain, and they teach us to do the same instead of running from it or pushing it away. A great therapist will reflect you back to yourself. So many times we can’t see growth and strengths because we are in it. It is so important to have someone who can remind us of how far we have come. Additionally, a counselor not only helps us build tools and coping strategies to continue life while carrying our grief, but he or she will also give us permission to not have the answers yet. Losing my husband has made my life feel directionless…my grief counseling has been a safe haven for me while I am figuring it all out. All of these things are ways that Jesus fulfills His promises to us to comfort us (2 Corinthians 1:3-4), give us peace (John 14:27), provide a place to rest (Matthew 11:28), empower us (John 14:12), and be with us (Matthew 28:20). The help and guidance that my Heavenly Father has lavished on me through my sessions with that person I dismissed so many times has truly saved me in the many months since Leslie’s death. Lessons learned here: 1. When it comes to God, never make ultimatums, because He will probably ask you to walk them back!, and 2. Do not be surprised when He accomplishes His purposes through people you may never expect! (Worms and all!)
So recently, in my weekly session with Tiffany, she asked me how I was feeling after those 3 months of treading water and trying to stay above the surface of my ocean of sorrow. I told her that in the last couple of weeks since the new year, I was actually feeling a bit better…a little stronger. I told her that I was scared of that feeling, though, and when Tiffany probed deeper, I explained, “I am kinda waiting for the other shoe to drop.” The past two years have been the most gruelling, most stressful, and the hardest and scariest years of my life. Feeling stronger, even in the smallest way, frightens me because what if that other shoe does come crashing down? What if it is another whole closet full of falling shoes?? She then looked at me and said one of the most profound things I have heard in a long time: “This side of heaven, the other shoe is always going to drop. I don’t know why we question whether or not it will happen. It is just a matter of when.” I felt that settle in my bones, heavy and undeniable. Thinking that this life is not going to hand us our share of sorrow is just as futile as telling God you will not be spilling the tea with that parent-slash-therapist when He has already set out the sugar and lemons. We will have sorrow, heartbreak, pain, and disappointment. 1 Peter 5:9-10 says, “…knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, Who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” If you are like me, swimming in grief and waiting for the next thing to pull you under, this should comfort us in knowing that suffering is part of this life and God. Is. With Us. Period.
Friend and fellow griever, you are not alone. The God of all grace will not leave us to this sorrow…rather, He walks with us in it. Grief is something we will all face in some way and to some degree. And unfortunately, our western society is crazy inept at being able to handle, help, understand, or even stand within throwing distance of grief. But God is here, and He also sends people to help us develop tools with which to not only learn to deal with grief, but also learn to thrive and carry on with life, still holding the love with us. Tools to help us get out of bed, breathe in and out, and begin to live again. I don’t claim to know that last part yet, but I know from experience that when God has a plan, it will come to fruition, no matter how many ultimatums we declare. And it probably will not look like anything we recognize or expect. But I am hanging on to the promise that His restoration, confirmation, strengthening, and establishment will be for His glory and for our good. Don’t be afraid to ask the Wonderful Counselor to lead you to the person He will use to help you in this season. Oh, and remember these two things:
- There is a possibility that someone’s mom might end up being your therapist one day.
- Be on the lookout for falling footwear.
One Day Closer,
Heather
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, Who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.
Matthew 11:28
Come to Me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
John 14:12
Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do the the works that I do; and greater works than these will he do, because I am going to the Father.
Matthew 28:20
…and behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.
5 responses to “Of Worms and Shoes”
Well said and well written, Heather. You reminded me that once again, no matter how many people love you and would help you in any way possible to feel better, grief is still a private and lonely journey. I’m so sorry for your suffering. But I’m grateful you’ve let the counselor in to help you. God is funny that way. I admire you for putting yourself out there to be vulnerable and help others who are struggling as well. I know you didn’t ask for this road to travel. I pray you continue to feel better and stronger, even though it’s true new trials will come along. You have the best reward possible waiting for you ultimately. Hold on to that!
Thank you so much, sweet friend! I know you know this road. No one wants to walk it, but you do it well.
You have a gift through your words my friend!
Thank you! Your words always lift others up, including me!
Been thinking about you and felt your heaviness and tiredness these last few months. Will continue to pray for you and ask God to give you strength, courage, wisdom and rest as you travel this journey of grief. Thank you for writing. Your words always touch my heart. Love you, friend!